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LadyReadingShe was sitting there for a long time. A book hiding her face. Seemed like in the elegantly designed lobby, hers were the best pair of shoes. She was lost in the book. Completely unaware, she is causing many heartbeats slip around.

Her short one piece was barely covering her thighs. And from the sunrays which crossed the windowpane of the hotel lobby were finding themselves lucky, resting on her bare thighs. She was looking like a greek goddess taking a sunbath. Her thighs were glistening in the sunlight. Leaving me gasping for more air. Increasing my pulse of the bulge in my pants.

And i was sitting just bang opposite this ravishing beauty. Trying to not look at her. Trying to look good in the eyes of the world. Not wanting to be seen, staring and appreciating another marvel of nature.

My meeting was due and i was hoping the person am supposed to meet gets further delayed. Just so that i can enjoy the view little longer. But it was not meant to be that way. Something else was in store for me.

And then the unexpected happened. With one hand she was holding the book and the other went straight on her thighs. The diamond studded in her ring finger chuckled and bounced back light ferociously. That seemed to break her attention. And abruptly she kept the book down. Unknowingly, she looked at me and found me staring at her with my eyes fixated on her thighs.

I didn’t know what to do. My heart sank. Was feeling embarrassed  to the core. My eyes pleading for forgiveness. Expecting anger to show up in her eyes. Looked around. And avoided her gaze. But was sensing she continued staring at me.

So i gathered the courage to look back at her. And found her giving me a look i will never forget. I couldnt understand whether she was angry or was upset. Just saw her getting up from her comfortable anc cozy couch, and slowly coming my way. Suddenly, felt a shiver going down in my spine.

I could see her coming closer to me and i was trying my level best to avoid looking at her. I focused my attention on the windowpane on my right and was waiting for her to pass.

But it was not god’s will. I sensed she standing next to my chair. Her strong perfume hit my nostrils sending a wave surge across my body. Her presence was being felt by my hand on the table. Filled with fear I turned around. Expecting a showdown, in that 5-star hotel lobby. When i looked at her, i found she looking straight at me. Seeking an explanation of my action.

Some words i found escaping me and i vaguely heard myself uttering the words “Am sorry, ma’m”.

Not really expecting to be pardoned.

She looked at me and asked, “For how long, were you staring?”

And I was dumbstruck.

I said “Just couple of of minutes”

She asked “How are you feeling now?”

I said “Miserable and sorry and ashamed”

She asked “Why?”

I said “I think i shouldn’t be staring”

And then she asked “Why do u think you shouldn’t be staring?”

I said “Well, its not a good manner to look and stare at women”

She said “Who told you that?”

I said “Everyone says that”

She said “But what & how did you feel while looking at my bare thighs”

By now i was getting comfortable and lill bolder as the fear of a showdown was baseless.

I said “To be honest, i found the whole thing very erotic. But i know it is not a good mannerism to be displayed by a gentleman”

She said “Interesting. What would you have done if i did not notice you watching me? Would u have continued watching me”

I said “I don’t know, probably yes.”

She said “Now am going back and going to read my book again, am about to reach the climax of the novel. And i want you to continue staring at me. Now that i know that you loved watching my legs and i could see in your eyes that you found me very beautiful and desirable.”

I was stumped. Clean bowled by her statement. And a big “What??” whisked away from my mouth.

And gathered myself again. Mixed feeling of surprise and excitement a sense of a childlike innocent joy. As if a kid was getting a toy he long desired but was denied and suddenly one day he gets the same toy as a gift.

I said “Why?” Wouldn’t you mind me staring at you”

She said “No.”

“Am an exhibitionist. I love when people look at me and desire me. I don’t let them come close. I just love to be watched and feel desired from a distance. Have been sitting here for last few days. But no one desired me the way you did. Also you like a perfect gentleman. Not the kinds who would ogle at women. That makes me feel more beautiful. I just want to feel beautiful. Will you please continue staring it me?” “Pleaase”

Her please sent me in a state of joy that results for a pleasant surprise that hits you when you are least expecting it

And there she went and sat there again. Letting me, giving me the permission to eye her beauty as long as i wanted.

Little did i know that in her permission, i had stepped into a new world. A new possibility.

A possibility that was about to change my life…

—-

To be contd: ;-) watch the next post for what happened next

Wondering Now…

Wondering what it means to be human,
when all that i find is what is already known

Wondering what is right,
when the mind is conspiring to prove its point

Wondering why god created me,
when somewhere the feeling is he is me

Wondering what is “The truth”
when all that i know seems to be true

Wondering do we have a unique purpose,
when having enough is all that matters

Wondering why am wondering,
when all that is, is and and that isn’t, isn’t

One or Two?

When the flood of passion is on the loose,
there is nothing left to watch and muse…

what remains is just pure madness,
breaking away from everyday mind mess.

Then we watch us demanding full attention,
after a long long time of maddening separation.

Your touch hypnotizes me,
leaves me wondering how its going to be,
in that moment am thinking of you and surprisingly also of me.

There comes a thought but is quickly washed away,
as i see you watching me, asking, if u may.

You may not know my being but somethings you surely know,
as you see me closing my eyes and u take a cue to just flow.

Long after witnessing the glory of heaven,
slowly my eyes open.
you patiently looking at me, reminding me now its my turn.

You know well my fingers,
that long for the love that oozes through you,
and i love that u allow them to move deep just to simply woo.

Watching you being lost in ecstacy,
reminds me of an old fantacy.
In which you werent there but there was she.
The one whom i always made love by the sea.

Shaking of from the fantacy me return to you,
Sheddling the lill guilt that was taking me away from you.

As you open up wildly demanding me to merge,
i hear your passion sigh and i also notice the amazing surge.

As we ride the wave and moving up, above and high,
i remember times i missed you and also the lonely sigh.

Thoughts are frozen yet fire let loose
my being shakes up n through my body a lightning moves.

Up there we meet again to witness million stars up the sky,
suddenly filled with gratitude to discover the reason why,

its clear why he created this sensuous game divine,
as i find your body shuddering and yet locked with mine

In the game he has left a clue
and i find it when you look at me and i look at you

It strikes me as am wondering, are you me or am i you?
Are you me or am I You?

And the answer mysteriously descends,
may be, just may be there is just “One”  and there’s nothing like “Two”…

magic…

just watching,

breathing,

watching the clamour

feel like picking up popcorn

and watching the movies of mind,

mind,

a theater where thoughts perform,

you are watching,

some you get inspired by,

some you get impacted by,

the drama unfolds,

sometimes u can watch the drama,

sometimes u can’t

as you become the drama.

The agreements have to be honored,

karmas to be healed.

Dont know,

whether its for real,

or all this is just my feel.

and there i stop,

watching my breath,

watching my mind,

watching myself watching again.

and like thundering bolt,

it strikes me again,

am alive yet.

Like magic,

life is living

choosing me

for a brief moment,

yet again.

Sometimes i am overwhelmed by my deep interest in following the spiritual and mystial movement. Am not particularly interested in who did what? but still i find myself enchanted by theosophy, mystical wisdom, rituals, mystery etc.

Even in this moment it seems i was destined to write in this moment. My writing in this moment is it my freewill or i am just following the orders of the universe which i am unaware of before the moment of my action on it.

What is this mystery about?

The words that are flowing now are being constructed in this moment in my mind, and my mind wanders to attach meanings to it.
One of my age old facntacies, one day i will begin the writing work or work. The work of transformation the work of spearding love.

I get puzzled by my mind or shoulc i say i see my mind being puzzled over a period of time. Is the closest to the mystery a fact that our mind islike a conduit of thoughts where from some unknown source comes thoughts. It is either my will or shown as my will about the thoughts i act upon.

Can i say that i will be peaceful when i know that this is the right action? but then why is mind afraid and suddenly making a conclusion that it cant be that way unless and until we are able to believe that i have the power to take action, i will take wrong action.

Why is mind afraid of wrong action? Is there really anything in the universe called wrong action or its just a fantacy and a game of mind to keep us out of peace.

Infact the mind itself for me is a big mystery. Sometimes i believ that i have to be careful of the mind as it keeps showing me different thoughts, contradictory thoughts that uproot me from the present.

It this all about discovering that its all a game and we as human beings will never figure out what is the truth.

Speaking of truth, a new question began in my mind what is the truth so many guys spoke about through centuries and now the new age so called channels rattling stuff about some mystical truth.

Is the truth they are seeking is about whether freewill exists or not or what? What truth is driving the whole human race turn mad.

A good thought. Right now the thought is stop writing and start reading again.

Am reading this beautiful book by Ashwin Called the rozabal line

Why am i so afraid of what people will thnk of me? why i always feel that i will always make a fool out of myself whenever i will follow my instincts blindly?

However in this moment i am loving the flow of words, the speed of my writing. Seems like a perfect balance between my thoughts and my writing speed. There is a great deal of focus and yet there is a sense of being relaxed and being aware of all the things happening around me and within me.

Seems like this is the moment of birthing. Birthing the writer within. Seems like a moment to be celebrated. Am feeling very good in this moment. Very centered and at ease. I didnt come here to do this. Though for years i beleieved i had a soul of a writer. What contracdicted was whenever i sat down to write nothing was flowing and now suddenly everything is flowing.

I am just loving this moment. A wonderful evening. Nice crowd around. Amazing music in the background. The comfort of sitting in this chair and knowing that i can enjoy this as long as i want. Till coffee shop gets shut. Wow am noticing the words and grammer as well. Raj you are doing well. You are amazing. It seems what you went through was a process of labor pain. Before you could give risse to the writer within.

Immediately my mind is running in future and creating a scenario as to how amazing it would be to live royally in different parts of the world. enjoying the luxuries and writing. And then came the other thought what if writing also becomes a pain.

This is another thing that i have observed about myself. I get enchanted with something and then i want to experience it, have it at any cost. Then i go in that direction like a passionate mad man. Sometimes questioning the rational mind and shooing it away i finally do whatever the child in me wants to do. Having done that starts a process of boredom. Or the process of loosing interest. And i have seen it across my life. SOme examples Interest in anthoy robbins, mysticism, short stint with camera, what not, my phones.

Seems like i am a child who wants to do different things. I have a fear that i will go beyond my control. Seems like loans and responsibility keep me in check.

But somewhere i deeply believe that am an international figure. Very well known and someone who makes a difference. Why do i many a times feel like i can be a grand actor when my body, my habit and no back ground in acting doesnt seem to stop me.

Is it like a fancy of many young indians or what? I dont know the answer yet. Seems answer will reveal itself. So lets wait patiently.

What is writing?

writing is just a process of watching the words clamour your mind and letting your fingers type oout on the screen. Just like a double decker bus filled to the brim and it stops somewhere and when it stops words like people just rush out.

Thats how writing begins for many. For me its been more than ten years i was waiting for writing consistently even in these moments i dont know whetehr i will write. but it seems i will.

I have begun to love the beautiful clicking of the typing pad, also the thoughts are not gushing out and getting quandered but they are waiting patiently for there turn. seems like, like magic there is an alignment between the mind and fingers.

Everything is just right and am watching myself write. And loving this moment way too much

Stirred up

Stirred up.
Thats how you leave me everytime after makin love…

am lost in the high and see you going away

leavin the firestorm of passion undoused,

sometimes i wonder why u do so…but my lips never open as u seal them with your lips…ready to stir me again

Rain mood

Swinging cars

Happy faces

Looking good

shiney stars

Wet roads

hurried umbrellas

lost in thoughts

heads at signals

Cute kisses

Watery hugs

Simple love

With the rain

Gloomy feel

strong wind

slpash of rains

break my dreams

Dreams

There are times i wonder why do we dream? any guesses…

Story

There is always a story. In every person i meet online or off line i always see a wonderful story. Each is unique and different. AM sure you have a story too. And am sure u are playing a lead role here. Sometimes i wonder…how will it be if i look at my story as if i am not the lead character. How will the story change? Will it change or wont it??

Wonder and let me know…

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